Has Sam Winchester been lured by a ‘sireen’ who loved him up and turned him into a horny toad? Or a vermin-like bug? Or a long pig-eating rugaru? Let’s pick absurd transformation into a monstrous vermin (because that rugaru was just gross). Yep, we’re talking Kafka and Supernatural!

For those who have blocked out high school, Metamorphosis is the story of Gregor Samsa, a miserable salesman who sacrifices his dreams to support his family. He wakes one morning to see he has turned into a big bug. Gregor doesn’t spend time questioning how this nightmarish change came about or why. Sam Winchester was poisoned with demon blood at age 6 months. For as-yet unexplained reasons, the psychic powers didn’t kick in until age 22. Sam’s transformation into something other was hardly the overnight makeover of Gregor Samsa, but there are parallels.

Gregor’s transformation was physical and emotional. He was stunned when his family reacted with fear and horror instead of understanding. Gregor became isolated as each day he turned into something less like a son and brother. Gregor’s attempts to communicate with his family failed. When he tried to tell his sister how moved he is by her music, she’s horrified by his appearance and said she hated him. The Mother could not comprehend his behavior. The Father turned violent and injured Gregor. All the Samsas were trapped in the incomprehensible bizarre situation, with no possibility to escape. Crushed by rejection, Gregor realized his life was without meaning and he withdrew from humanity. The next day he died.

Well, that’s a bizarre and horrific story… and not unlike the state of Sam Winchester in this episode. When life becomes so absurd, so incomprehensible, as can happen say when your brother gets shredded by invisible hell hounds and dragged to hell, then humans confront meaninglessness and choices between life and death.

Far From Normal
Sam Winchester barely stood a chance. His future was traded for John’s life when his mother unknowingly sacrificed him by giving Azazel ‘permission to visit’. The demon blood from Azazel gave Sam scary visions. He tried to make sense of them to help save the people in the visions. Sam could have experimented with the powers like most of the other PsychicKids did. But he did not.

The powers eventually led all of the kids to crash and burn – Max by suicide, Scott Carey ‘stopped’ by Gordon, and the others (Weber, Lilly, Andy, Ava, Sam, Jake) by mutual destruction. When faced with the opportunity to kill Jake, Sam dropped the weapon. So Jake stabbed Sam instead to be the American Demon Idol. Dean, faced with the meaningless of his life without Sam, sacrificed himself in a demon deal to bring Sam back.

Sam became the Boy Who Died then Lived due to this unusual twist of free will. Like many of the other Pyschic Kids, Sam did kill one of the Chosen Ones. On the re-match with Jake, Sam didn’t use his powers to kill him. Sam used a regular gun with regular bullets and lethal intent. He emerged from the Cowboy Graveyard as the last one standing. Wedge still didn’t embrace or experiment with his powers though. His psychic visions ended, so he assumed his powers were gone.

Sam never verbalized any desire to use his powers to stop Dean from dying or break Dean’s deal. He did countless ethically and morally wrong things including arson, vandalism, even murder (he unintentionally axed Dean himself). After Dean died repeatedly in Mystery Spot, and stayed dead for six months, Sam still never summoned Ruby for help.

Ruby had already told Sam his powers were just dormant. She kept dropping hints, but Sam never took the bait to try his powers. Sam even considered turning Dean into an immortal to avoid the deal. When the clock was running down on Dean’s deal, Ruby told Sam that she could train him to tap his powers and take out Lilith. Dean stopped Sam from going down that road and Sam missed his window. Sam was going to kill Lilith with the Demon Killing Ginsu, not by using his powers. He didn’t manifest any powers until Lilith tried to kill him, and that was uncontrolled defense against Lilith’s attack.

Whatever Ruby’s reasons are for wanting Lilith dead, Sam’s stated motivation is revenge, just like daddy John Winchester taught him. Sam hasn’t said what he’d do after he kills Lilith. But like John, Sam’s probably tired of hunting and ‘done’ once he gets his revenge. Revenge is not a good motivation, but it’s contained. On the scale of problems, revenge is a lower order of magnitude problem than say the will to power. Sam has not shown any will to power like Azazel had. Yes, one can argue he’s on a slippery slope though.

Take this curse and make something good out of it.
Dean asked Sam to do something that Dean himself could not do – carry on living and fighting after his brother died. Dean said Sam was stronger than him and could go on alone. Is it stronger to become isolated and cut off? Sam’s coping strategy has a cold logic to it. He disconnects from the world to avoid more pain and loss. The flaw in the strategy is that Sam doesn’t experience any positive emotions to salve the pain of grief or failure.

Desperation did somehow bring Sam to embrace his powers after Dean went to hell, though we have yet to learn about or see that moment. (We really need to see that or hear about that in order to decide if Sam’s dark powers turned him into a drug addict or a vigilante. We don’t know yet if Sam’s choices are ones we can condone or forgive.)

When Sam does his dark deeds, it’s in the line of duty. He uses extreme and brutal force in the same old-fashioned ways other hunters kill things – with guns (Jake), knives (the Mailman and other New Harmony Neighbors), fire (the Realtor Changeling), or my favorite, barbed wire (Gordon). Sam has become cold, but that doesn’t mean he’s a demon. He’s dark in a way not unlike his brother just after Dean chain saw massacred the vampire in Bloodlust; and not unlike Dean’s look after he shot the Infected Mom in Croatoan.

Sam does carry on, using the method that works – he exorcises the demons with his mind. It’s a learned skill, and he’s been practicing with his coach, Ruby2, who is not exactly a good influence. It’s not clear if Sam can telepathically communicate with Ruby or influence her. We don’t see Sam controlling demons in other ways like Ava did. Sam claims most of the possessed victims live. His way works.

Sam looks pretty fierce when he exorcises the demons with his mind. His small smile of satisfaction with a job well done is scary. But he’s not out mutilating cats or torturing demons just for kicks. He’s torturing the demons to get intel on Lilith. (Some Attorney Generals may say his methods don’t even count as torture).

A whole new level of freak
Ever since Sam started getting the visions, Dean has been frightened by the weirdo powers. Sam was a victim, an unwilling pawn of Azazel who could not control the visions. Dean was sure that Sam was still Sam, his human brother. Dean was still his brother’s keeper. John Winchester planted the first serious doubts by telling Dean that he had to save Sam, or failing that, Dean must kill Sam. John knew what Azazel had done (but not from Mary, who hid her deal in the long Winchester tradition of secrecy.)

Dean’s doubt took root when Azazel asked Dean if he was sure what he had brought back was “100% Sam”. Castiel threw miracle grow on this weed. When Dean woke from his 1973 dreamtime, he had just learned Azazel fed Sam demon blood. Castiel scared the hell into Dean by telling him that ‘they’ don’t like what Sam is doing. He threatens to ‘make it stop’ if Dean can’t stop Sam first.

Throughout season 3, Sam had no control over his powers. Now Sam has taken some control of his powers. Sam lied about Ruby2’s whereabouts. He lied to Dean point blank about using his powers telling Dean that he didn’t go down that road. Sam kept the demon blood a secret for a year. He’s still holding the ‘rest of family killed by Yellow Eyes’ secret. Sam’s lying and freaky mind tricks reinforce Dean’s fears.

After Dean saw Sam in action, he exploded with anger, hurt by the betrayal. Sam doesn’t strike back though. He explains why he acted, hoping Dean will see the other side. His apologies and explanations are not persuasive. Dean is freaked out by what he saw, and scared of what Castiel might do to Sam and to him. The angels are confused and scared of what Sam has inside and what he’ll do with it. They don’t know Azazel’s plan. But even if they did, that doesn’t mean Sam would follow it. That free will is always the wild card.

Dean tells Sam that he’s no longer recognizable from the things they hunt. The implication is that the only thing stopping Dean from killing Sam is because he knows and cares about Sam. This is a totally different place than back in Croatoan when Sam was infected with the demon virus, or in Born Under a Bad Sign, when Sam was possessed. Sam’s actions were beyond his control. Both times, Sam wanted Dean to ‘stop him’ before Sam hurt anyone else. Dean refused, because Sam was not responsible for his actions. At that time, the idea of killing Sam was unthinkable.

Now it’s thinkable. That must be one of most painful things for Sam to hear. He’s so upset that he can barely pull himself together to talk on the phone when Travis’ call interrupts their argument. Sam, the man who just wants to be viewed as normal and accepted, hears that he’s not normal, from the one person who’s opinion matters. It’s heartbreaking. Then it gets worse. Castiel, who Sam told Dean is a Good Guy, told Dean to make Sam stop. The angels don’t understand what Sam’s doing and want him to stop. Sam is misunderstood and confused. Dean’s message from Castiel implies that God thinks Sam’s actions are straight-up wrong. How judgey of Him.

You have this dark pit inside. You don’t have to be a monster.
Gordon once told Dean that John’s death left a hole in him. Sam told Dean the same thing. Gordon also said the hole created a hunger that won’t stop. It was a good thing. It keeps one motivated to be good at the job. Sam arguably has an even bigger hole inside than Dean since he has lost Jessica, John and Dean.

Sam spent a year making his best attempts to break the deal or stop Dean from dying. He couldn’t stop it. Nor could he bring Dean back from hell. It’s amazing Sam hasn’t given up on life and disappeared into the darkside already.

Like Gregor Samsa, our Sammy is faced with the question of his existence. Is Gregor a man or a bug? Is Sam a human or demon? Sam Winchester’s path is the existential dilemma. For those who have blocked out college, existentialism is the philosophical belief that existence precedes essence. The actual life of the individual is what constitutes the essence of a person. Essence is not predetermined. Individuals are defined by their unique experiences in a hostile, indifferent or unexplainable universe. They are defined by their actions. The meaning of one’s life is found through choice and personal responsibility.

In this view, an ‘evil thing’ can still do something good. For Sam, the taint of demon blood can be used for something good – like sending demons back to hell. Since one can choose to be either cruel or kind, humans are neither of these in essence or by definition. Free will figures prominently in this view of life. Free will makes redemption possible.

Sam has shown repeatedly that he believes that with enough information, a person can get control of a problem. It was his approach the other times Dean was dying (in Faith and in In My Time of Dying). It was Sam’s approach when he wanted to use Doc Benton’s research to keep Dean from dying to buy more time. It was his approach to Madison’s werewolf problem – he wanted to keep looking for a way to save her. And it was his approach with Rugaru Jack – tell the man the truth and given information he could get control of his problem. But in the face of futility – when Sam was infected with the demon virus, when he thought he killed Wendell – Sam was ready to concede that he needed to be stopped. He came to the same conclusion about Rugaru Jack.

When Sam and Dean arrived, Jack was at the brink. Sam tried to reason with Jack to choose not to hurt Dean and stop himself from turning forever into a monster. When he talked to Jack, Sam actually stated the existentialist view.

It doesn’t matter what you are. It only matters what you do. It’s your choice.

What Sam didn’t know was how Travis’ actions influenced Jack’s choices. When Travis learned Jack’s wife was pregnant, he decided to kill the couple. That push sent Jack to a whole other state of being. Jack shoved back. He hulked out and devoured Travis.

When Jack pushed Sam by trying to kill Dean, Sam did shove back by burning up Jack with brutal efficiency. Jack is one more example where the metamorphosis did complete. But remember Lenore, the VeganVampire? When Gordon pushed her, she did resist drinking human blood and the brothers let her go. It’s not easy. As Dean said, it’s like being an alcoholic swimming in whiskey.

I’m Sorry. Whatever.

Sam shared his pent up issues about being a freak due to the demon blood. He must have felt trapped in a nightmare lacking a clear course of action. Sam explained that he’d been trying to take the curse and make something good out of it. Dean finally heard Sam and recognized his pain.

Dean tried to apologize and said that Sam’s powers scare him. But Sam was done talking. He couldn’t make Dean understand what it’s like. Sam said he has to deal with this problem himself. Dean countered that Sam won’t get through it alone. They are probably both right.

There’s a part of Sam that is of Azazel and therefore anathema to Dean since Azazel killed his grandparents and his parents, and has permanently poisoned his brother. Sam told Ruby that using his powers felt good. That means on some level, Sam is not in total control. He will need help to walk that line.

Sam and Dean live in a Kafka-esque world of tragic creatures and horrific choices. They are not only isolated from the ‘normal’ world, but they are becoming isolated from each other. The burden of Sam’s curse can become too much for Sam, and eventually for Dean. Gregor Samsa’s family eventually abandoned caring about him from revulsion as they lost their connections and emotional bonds.

Neither brother offers forgiveness - to the other or to himself. Sam has to forgive himself for failing to save Dean. Sam has to forgive himself for failing by using his powers. And Sam has to forgive Dean for leaving him alone. Dean has to forgive himself for abandoning Sam. He has to forgive himself for leaving Sam alone and vulnerable to Ruby and Lilith. And Dean has to forgive Sam for using his powers and for listening to a demon.

Sam has to love the monster within, even when his brother appears freaked out by him. He has to stop hating himself and find a way to reconcile this demon blood problem. This is the real problem of evil – it’s inside everyone. It can’t be ignored or cut out. Now Sam does have an extra large dosage. Sam’s transformation by this demon blood, and any possible mastery of it, is an inside job. Sam is a good person based on his historical actions. He does know the difference between right and wrong. Other anti-heroes have faced this similar problem. The Incredible Hulk, Batman, even Dexter, all had to embrace a dark power they never asked for and use it for something positive.

When Sam told Dean he’s not doing this for anyone but himself, Dean maybe interpreted that motivation as selfish. It is. It’s survival. When one has turned into the ‘other’, survival is one thing all beings have in common. Whatever Sam has done thus far, Sam doesn’t conclude that he should be killed. Sam needs someone who recognizes the goodness still in him. This should still be possible for Dean, except we don’t know how messed up Dean has gotten from the trauma of hell or the transforming knowledge that God has chosen him to help fight the Apocalypse.

For now, it appears Sam has given up on his powers. But heroes and anti-heroes alike get the urgent call to adventure – willing or not. Castiel told Dean he had to help stop Lilith from breaking the 66 seals. What happens when he and Sam run into Lilith again?